A lot of you know exactly what I'm talking about. Shame for doing good but being proud. Shame for doing bad but not being caught. Shame for doing bad and being caught but not coming forward first. Shame ruled my world.
I would like to say that all of that is in the past, but the honest truth is that it is not all in the past. There are days when I still feel a wave of shame wash over my heart, be it justified or not, and I realize in some ways I am still "in repair". For years I have prayed that God will remove these feelings from me. That he will wipe my mind and my heart clean of the guilt I feel from falling short of his grace. It is for these reasons that Psalm 51 is my favorite psalm. This is where I can relate.
The basic background for David's writing here is that he has come to realize that he has sinned sexually with Bathsheba, has killed Uriah to try to cover it up, and has been outed publicly by Nathan for all of it. The psalm speaks from the heart of a broken man. It speaks to a God who seems to be a friend who can make everything ok, but who know that now is not the time. The pain and anguish are clear. The guilt and sorrow are piled on line after line.
And then there is the shame. This has to be one of the most heartfelt and gut-wrenching pleas that has ever been recorded by the hand of man.
I first truly examined this Psalm when I was going through the long process of healing. I lived for more than a decade feeling that I was inherently unworthy and dirty because I was sexually abused as a child. Long before I had my current mindset of being a sexual abuse survivor, I firmly held to the belief that I was just like David describes himself in verse five, "Surely I was sinful from birth." As far back as I could remember, I felt dirty in the eyes of God. While I never believed that babies were born into sin (a theological discussion for another time), the worthlessness I felt stretched back for years and years. My identity had formed around an experience that made me feel like an object. I was nothing but something to be abused, but in the strange nature of sexual abuse there was a part of me that did get some pleasure from the experience. Today I understand that such is simply how God made my body to respond but for years I believed that the act that was forced on me made me as guilty as anyone who had ever chosen to go against God.
Feeling already lost, I began to care little for how far my actions separated me from the God who never left me. Years passed before I read this Psalm and was struck with how much I felt connected to the desire in David's heart to be close to God and be clean. While physically I was perfectly healed, emotionally I was still raw and broken. Despite my well-crafted and hidden scars, some saw deep into my heart and introduced me to a God that heals like no one else can. David would go on from this Psalm to be a great man, a great leader, and to be called "a man after God's own heart". I too have found myself in the embrace of a God who heals.
While I am sure that some of you have little idea what I am talking about and why I felt connected to this particular set of verses, I am sure others will know exactly how I feel. It took courage for David to humble himself before God and beg for forgiveness. It took courage for me to seek help in recovering from my past. At Providence Road, we are blessed with great programs like Celebrate Recovery where people can gather and seek support together. Blessed with people like Sandy Welfare who can offer private counseling at no cost. Blessed with a group of Shepherds who truly care about the floc. So for those of you who know what it's like to hurt, but can't imagine what it means to heal, I beg you to seek out any of the above. They are all willing to help and to serve as tools for a God that truly can and does heal.
On the inside of my left wrist I have three words tattooed: "Never Let Go". To me they mean so many different things. They remind me to hold on to the moments of goodness I have. They remind me to hold on to the things that matter, and forget about those that don't. They remind me to never give up even when the road is hard. They remind me of my dad who "fought the good fight" every day of his life.
But mainly they remind me of my God. A God that is not some bearded old man beyond the clouds, but a friend who is at my side. I don't know how he works or why he answers some prayers the way he does. All I know is that I am a survivor of abuse because I have a God who never lets go.
And I promise He won't let go of you either.
- submitted by Nolan Davis
No comments:
Post a Comment